This dilemma is not unique to female engineers, but there are a few things unique to technical careers that make holding on to them much more difficult while taking care of a young family. Today’s engineers work at companies that often hire the smartest folks and encourage them to work around the clock. Companies provide employees with breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Even laundry and car services are available at work just so employees can be more productive. Our schedules are tight and our challenges daunting. Our motto is: do whatever it takes to get the job done on time, on budget, and with quality. Consistently doing so is the key to success in our industry.

While a single female engineer will have no problems keeping toe to toe with her colleagues, a mother of young children will often find such a work environment very challenging. Even in today’s progressive society – where both men and women should equally share the burden of raising a young family – my experience leads me to believe that mothers struggle more with the balancing act. No matter how fulfilling the challenges of work are, maternal instincts often conflict with what is required from us as high-performing engineers.

Another challenge that I see female engineers struggle with is coming back into the industry after taking leave. Many of my friends have tried to come back after taking a few years off, but during their absence, the industry has moved forward by leaps and bounds, making re-entry very difficult. Most of them had to change their careers to get back into the workforce because their skill set became obsolete, and since part-time engineering jobs are not common, they had no other pathways back into an engineering role.

I believe that society as a whole is somewhat ignorant of these challenges for female engineers who want to start a family. Unlike well-documented issues like bias and discrimination, there isn’t much advice out there on how to navigate this issue.

I hope you never get to a point where you have to choose between having a career or having a family. Juggling both is one of the most difficult things many of us face, and I hope each and every one of you finds a middle ground. Here are a few things that helped me during those tough years.

1. Don’t try to do it all. Prioritize tasks. Whether at work or at home, focus on the highest priority tasks. You may not get to do everything you would like to do, but you get to do the most important things.

2. Realize that your time will come. When you have a young family, you may be unable to go the extra mile at work – we all know that going the extra mile consistently is what propels us to rise in our careers. For a few years, you may not be a superstar at work, but realize that as your children grow up, you will get more and more time to chase your own dreams. The important thing is to never let go of your dreams completely. It may not be the right time now, but one day, it will be.

3. Make use of available resources. If you have the option of getting help from a trusted source, like a friend or a family member, don’t be shy to make use of it. If you can afford it, don’t let a few dollars get in the way of your career. Outsource the lower priority items at home like cleaning so you get quality time to spend on your higher priority tasks.

Too many of my friends are too quick to let go of their dreams. I have seen many completely relinquish their life for their children’s sake. To them I have but one thing to say. Never forget that YOU are your mother’s dream come true.

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But after working with her a few times, I came to understand that everyone else’s attitude towards Susan wasn’t about bias. Susan was a Chicken Little. The sky was always falling. Every time you talked to her, there was some catastrophe on the horizon. It could be anything from “Oh! Our jobs are not secure! What will we be working on next?” to “Our taxes are too high!”. Whatever in life was worrying Susan at the time was always front and center in her on-the-job interactions, and nobody wanted to have to deal with that.

Careers in tech are known to be among the most stressful on the planet. Our deadlines are often extremely tight. We are regularly asked to come up with solutions to challenges that no one has ever faced before. With that constant stress, it’s easy to become dour and pessimistic. In order to rise in this industry, one needs to consciously maintain a positive attitude in spite of these challenges. Being a source of positivity in stressful situations is a clear sign of a leader. No one – neither at work, nor anywhere else – wants to spend their time with a whiner.

When you work with a person or group of people for a while, it is not uncommon to form a bond where you can freely discuss any topic. I’m not referring to that scenario. I’m specifically talking about group settings where you are not familiar with every one present. Don’t always steer the conversation towards what is worrying you whether it is with respect to work or life. Learn to keep the conversations light and casual even when the topic at hand is of an unsavory nature. Proving your point in such settings doesn’t get you any additional benefits at work.

Mind you, I’m not advising that you should never lose your cool at work or “Always Be Smiling”. Everyone has an occasional bad day, and there are times where you will need to stand up and call out bullshit. However, in general, you should consciously try to project positivity and a sunny disposition. If there are situations where you need to lose your cool, do so deliberately. Don’t show subtle annoyance or irritation, but stand up, pound the table, and demand action. Call out the offending action and demand that it be fixed immediately.

Here are a couple of rules that I follow:

1. Take the hard times with a smile. Often hardship is not under your control. You didn’t plan to make things more difficult for yourself. These things just happen, and they will always happen. Complaining about uncontrollable events benefits no one, especially not you. For example, there are times when the future of a team is uncertain but talking about it excessively unnerves the team and the management chain. If you are worried about the future project or your role in the future project, discuss it privately with your boss.

2. Stick to professional reasons when discussing job-specific challenges. Leave the emotional references out of the conversation. Try to incorporate something positive that you did to overcome the challenge, so it does not come across as if you are just whining.  For example, instead of saying “That customer always drives me nuts,” say something like “Discussions with that customer were always challenging. They never seemed to understand our recommendations. So, I had to do this, this, and this to finally get the customer’s consent.” Or, instead of saying “I had to work the whole night to meet the deadline,” say something like “We need to do a better job of estimating the time and effort it takes to complete assignments so that we don’t end up pulling all-nighters again.”

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During my morning commute one day, I happened to listen to a radio show with famed football coach John Madden. None of what he said made any sense to me either, but when my co-workers gathered for their daily football discussion, I felt such a strong urge to be a part of this group that I repeated what Coach Madden said. Some of them agreed, others vehemently disagreed, but one thing was for sure: I was now a part of this group.

Having even the smallest connection with a co-worker can make a world of difference in their attitude towards you. They may be more open and thorough when answering your questions. Your co-workers are more likely to go the extra mile when working with you. They may even stand up for you should you get swept into office politics. But most importantly, they will treat you as a comrade, and office comradery makes for a much more enjoyable work experience.

Connections are best when you build them unhurriedly. This gives you a chance to evaluate the person you are interacting with and consciously decide whether you want to keep building this relationship. Let’s face it, not all potential connections are worth pursuing. On the flip side, don’t expect to have a deep, lasting connection with everyone that you work with. One does not need to be beloved by everyone to have a happy, productive career. After all, you are not a slice of pizza ?.

Choose the right time – just because you are ready, does not mean that the person you want to connect with has the time or bandwidth to build that connection. Keep initial attempts short and sweet. Most importantly, keep an open mind and be willing to listen while doing so. Until you really know someone, one must stay away from sensitive topics like religion and politics.

So, what are some of the techniques to help you connect with co-workers?

1. Show interest in their passions – Its always easy to connect with someone who shares an interest with you. But what if you have nothing in common with a co-worker? One surefire way to get the conversation started is to pick one of their interests and ask them about it. Show them that you are interested in the things that make them happy. More often than not, they will open up a little and you will learn something new.

2. Actively be a part of the group – Most companies have group activities (e.g. sports leagues, exercise classes, or interest groups). Giving them a try might give you an opportunity to connect with your co-workers outside of work. Even simple acts like participating in group lunches or attending meetings in conference rooms instead of calling in from your cube go a long way in helping you connect with your co-workers.

3. Volunteer your knowledge – If you notice a project or colleague in trouble at work and you have the bandwidth, offer to provide some technical help. Mind you, this is not about providing menial support (e.g. by bringing coffee or doughnuts), but rather going the extra mile professionally to get the project back on track.

4. Always be positive – Attitude matters, and it goes without saying that folks prefer to connect with positive people. To that extent, always have a positive attitude at work.

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Subconscious bias against women, especially in the technical field can show up in many different forms. Once, while waiting to be called in for an interview, I watched a hiring manager ask every male in the lobby whether they were ‘Maya’. It took him a few minutes before he thought to look in my direction and ask me if I was the engineer he was supposed to interview.

I used to think that this was my fault. Somehow, something about me was causing this behavior. Maybe I came across as challenging or rude with my questions. Maybe they were put off by my face. But if this was truly my fault, why was it also happening to many of my female colleagues?

The sad truth is that while the bias is obvious to us, it’s not always obvious to our managers. A mentor once told me his experience of bias against a female engineer on his team. While reading an email thread he saw that male team members from remote location removed the female engineer from an e-mail thread discussing an issue she raised about the remote team’s code. He added her back to the thread and asked for her feedback. He also decided that the remote team needed training and sent them the best – the very same woman they tried so hard to ignore.

While it is easy for a manager to act when it is obvious that they should, most of time it is not apparent to them because the bias is subconscious. I would argue that most men who exhibit subconscious bias against women are not ‘evil’. In my experience, they tend to be older men or men from cultures where women are not considered as equals who don’t understand the impact of their actions. They don’t recognize their behavior as biased. To them, this is just how they’ve operated for generations. It is the unfortunate reality for a lot of engineers, and it doesn’t just affect us women, it also affects men and those who don’t identify with a particular gender. The sad truth is that subconscious bias will not change overnight, and you can’t avoid it because it comes in many forms. So, what do you do?

1. Understand that you are not at fault – Some people may be putting you down subconsciously. Others may be doing so on purpose to get ahead of competition and make themselves look smarter. Odds are these people will not change how they operate, but why should you change to match their expectations? Accept their bias as a fact, but don’t think for a second that life will become any easier if you play into it by speaking less or being more polite.

2. Keep being technically formidable – If something does not make sense to you, don’t be afraid to question it. Don’t be shy about expressing your ideas and thoughts. Don’t let the biased behavior of others keep you from doing the things you should do to get ahead in your career. File for patents, attend seminars, be open to giving talks. Be confident in your abilities, because if you are not, no one else will be. Remind them why you are here and don’t make it easy for them to forget it.

3. Find a way to connect with your co-workers – Facing subconscious bias as an individual can be frustrating, painful, and deeply disheartening. However, more often than not, you’re not going to be the only one who notices it or is affected by what’s going on. Having a few colleagues whose support you can count on will make all the difference when you face bias at work.

If you are convinced that the bias is not subconscious or you are being treated differently than others in your group and it is affecting your performance at work, you should not hesitate to deal with it. Start by having a direct non-confrontational conversation with the person(s) whose action is impacting you. If the behavior doesn’t change, raise it up your chain of command.

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Sadly, Yasmin’s situation is not all that uncommon, even in larger, more established companies. Actually, she was pretty lucky to have a clearly defined goal. In many cases, new technical contributors are left to re-invent the wheel and inevitably repeat the same mistakes as their predecessors. And so, the chaotic cycle continues.

So, what options does Yasmin have? Most folks I’ve mentored seem to treat it as a binary. You either quit in frustration, or you push and push and push a little harder until you finally learn the ropes. But there is a third option. Embrace the chaos. Make it your friend.

Some leaders may be technically capable, but all great leaders are comfortable with getting things done in spite of a lack of guidance. They excel at making sense where there seemingly is none. For Yasmin, a lack of direction does not have to be a bad thing. It can be an opportunity for her to demonstrate just how organized and creative she is. It can be her chance to stand out from the crowd.

When you’re in Yasmin’s situation, it is imperative that you make a plan and make it public. The plan doesn’t have to be perfect. Just start by clearly articulating what you understand your end goal to be. Then, write out the steps and estimate how long each step will take to complete. The end goal is to have something you can quickly e-mail to your boss or mentor with an offer to follow up with a conversation. From my experience, it is much easier for folks to point out what you may be missing if its is clearly documented (and it gets even easier if you offer to pay for their coffee).

Now, just because you’ve put together this preliminary plan doesn’t mean you’re ready to do your job perfectly yet. Most of the time, you’ll be missing some steps, and sometimes, even your mentors won’t know how to accomplish your goal. In these cases, trial and error is the only path forward; however, such experimentation requires caution. Keep track of every step you take, record your results, make note of your mistakes, and consistently revise your game plan accordingly. Ask for feedback from those who have already gone through the same process, and when you’ve achieved your goal, share your notes – including any room from improvement – with others. Through detailed observation, your experience can become a source of knowledge that benefits the whole team, and you can share the lessons you’ve learned with the new hires who come after you.

Sometimes, you’re not just fending for yourself. As you rise through the ranks, you will be expected to guide a colleague, a direct report, or even a whole team. If you want to keep rising, you better hope you can do so successfully. Fortunately, the process is roughly the same. You want a clearly defined end goal and a plan to get there with estimates for effort and time. Most importantly, you want to share it with the appropriate stakeholders early. It will never be perfect, but the sooner you can get feedback from leadership and your team, the sooner you can get buy-in. The sooner you get buy-in, the sooner folks will recognize that you are the one leading this effort.

As with all projects, flexibility is key. However, having a publicly visible plan backed by leadership is essential because once tasks are set in motion, it is easier to follow up on their progress. Even if you have to be flexible, you can update your plan and adjust tasks as goals, resources, and timelines change.

I realize the concept of making a plan is nothing new, but I find that most promising young women in the field obsess over perfection and aren’t very vocal about these things, even though they are fully (dare I say – far too) capable. Chaotic situations are your chance to shine not just as a technical contributor, but also as a leader. Even if the project ultimately does not pan out, stay vocal. Publish a quick summary of lessons learned so that you and your team can benefit from this experience. As always, continue to seek feedback, but don’t take critical feedback personally.

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